Next! Movies that are Superbad

Nicolas Cage! What are you doing to me, man! On a morning that I felt all warm and fuzzy towards you thanks to Adaptation, I found out that you made Next:

Clearly, Jessica Biel is Hollywood’s new love interest … but who could love Nicolas Cage with that hair? This is a Phillip K. Dick vehicle, but we all know that guarantees nothing. For every Blade Runner there are a million Paychecks. For every A Scanner Darkly there’s a Total Recall (and how ambiguous is this statement?).
Much as I’ve grown to love Julianne Moore, she’s no guarantee of a quality movie. I mean, sure, she’s great and all … but Julianne Moore versus stupid hair Nicolas Cage? I’m not exactly in a hurry for that. No wonder there was a five month delay between the US and here.

On the other hand, Superbad, despite its tempting name, looks like it could be a fantastic comedic tour de force, even though it’s a teen sex comedy. Check out the “R Rated” trailer, which is totally not safe for work (but who uses YouTube at work? For shame):

I mean, come on! McLovin! Having a gun is like having two cocks … if one of your cocks could kill someone! So yeah, I don’t need to identify with the contents of a movie to enjoy it … unless you’re the pathetic friend of a Camero that creepily tries to get you to copulate with pretty girls on top of it. (That’s right, Michael Bay! You will never cease tasting my wrath!)

Fracture

“Hello, Willie.”

I can’t gauge whether Fracture is supposed to be big time or a backburner movie. The last backburner I saw, Breach, turned out very well. Fracture is less successful, if only for the fact that I spent a lot of my time watching it thinking about technique. This is a sign that you have rather too many aerial shots in your movie.

A Wench in the Works

I was discussing the airbrushing of homosexuality from 300 with my friend and writing partner Andy. I claim that, despite Frank Miller and Zack Snyder’s best efforts, a single homosexual couple remains in the movie. Andy posited simply that men can be best friends without being gay – which, yeah, is obvious – but I don’t think it holds true here.

This caused me to think how I would feel, were I ever to do anything of historical significance, if the writers or filmers of this history chose wilfully to misrepresent me:

Alexander Doenau: his passion for freedom was matched only by his passion for women. His life goal was to carouse across the 67 states of America and, in his quest to liberate the pepper mines of Old Bavaria, he achieved just that. Doenau died happily at age 94, a lusty wench on each arm.

The pictures would depict me at something akin to the signing of the Declaration of Independence, naturally surrounded by barmaids, cleavage to next week.

I think that, rather than taking offence, I would be absolutely tickled.

Harry Potter: Dumbledore as Human

I saw Order of the Phoenix again last weekend and it led to an interesting discussion with my friend Ajay. He said that he was not sure of Michael Gambon’s performance as Dumbledore, because he seemed too “real”. Dumbledore, in Ajay’s mind, is supposed to be all powerful and somehow above everyone else.

I don’t quite agree. In fact, one might say that I entirely disagree and I like Gambon’s take on a character who, at least in the first three books (I didn’t get to re-read Goblet, Phoenix and Half-Blood before Deathly Hallows), had a fairly standard “walk on exposition” role.

Spoilers on the Inside – but really, if you care for Harry Potter and don’t know what happens yet … I posit that you don’t really care for Harry Potter.

Knocked Up

“He’s playing fetch with my kids.”

You may recall that my analysis of Transformers involved me denouncing it as one of the most “heterosexual” movies that I have ever borne witness to. That was a movie about giant robot/vehicle hybrids. Knocked Up is a film about a one night stand that results in pregnancy, yet I failed to have any of the issues that I did with Transformers. I think that the level of cynicism and obnoxiousness present in a Michael Bay film, and films of his ilk – me being a fellow who cannot watch a film for eye candy (and seriously, who thinks that Shia LeBeouf is attractive?) – is the issue, because clearly I make no objection to heterosexuality in cinema, elseways I’d be screwed.

Fortunately, Knocked Up is brilliant. In the Apatow tradition of The 40 Year Old Virgin, we have been presented with that rarest of Hollywood beasts: a comedy that is funny. To add to that glee, it harkens back to the grand old days when being funny still left you open to emotions. What happened to the days of ciphers who got laughs solely through meanness and venom, with the occasional half-hearted tug at your heartstrings? Why is it that the less money you spend on a movie, the less artificial it seems? Most importantly, how can anyone explain or reconcile Paul Rudd’s obvious love of Everybody Loves Raymond?

The Simpsons Movie

“Watch out … he is the Spider-Pig.”

Something that has bothered me about The Simpsons is that it has not been very good for years, but critics never really noticed. I suppose that maybe they think that completely nonsensical stories with jokes that don’t make sense and characters that have gradually become watered down caricatures of themselves are better than most of the other stuff on the TV. I don’t know; I don’t watch a lot of TV, or at least not as much as they do. That said, the fact that something is comparatively better than something else doesn’t necessarily make it good.

It was with great trepidation that I stepped into The Simpsons Movie. I knew that I had to see it, and so I did. I went in, giving it the dubious honour of being my first date movie, and was pleasantly surprised to find that, while lame, it is not the worst movie ever unleashed upon the history of humanity (coincidentally, I’ve seen the person since, so it’s safe to say that this movie won’t ruin your chances if you see it).

However, I’m not convinced anyone can justify having made this movie. This is not because, as Homer says, “you’re all suckers, paying to see something you could see on TV for free”, it’s because pointless spectacle that doesn’t even look very good, and fleeting reference to “beloved” characters do not a good movie make. To their credit, with only five guest stars (three of whom are band members, and therefore count as one), the fifteen writers practically restrained themselves.

A Brett Ratner Film

Ah, trailers. Last night, I had the delight of seeing Knocked Up for a second time (and more of that later, because it was much better this time around). As it was when I saw it at Campbelltown, they kicked off with the more “sensitive” I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry trailer, which I very conveniently had to take a phone call during. (On the note of that cinematic gem, wowing box offices the US over, the movie is a unifying influence: hated by homosexuals and militant religious groups alike – perhaps it’s not so bad after all!)

The rest of the trailers were all new to me, though; it’s either the use of separate prints at separate cinemas or, quite likely, a second wind more than a month into the movie’s run (the same thing happened at Borat, which I saw three times at George Street).

So the first of the new ones is a big dose of what the eff for me.

Brett Ratner is now big enough for his name to appear above a film’s title? IMDB is listing for next year Untitled Brett Ratner Project? I won’t go so far as to say that he’s a vanity plate on the level of Michael Bay, but come on! Looking over his CV, he hasn’t done a lot, and some of his films have been innocuous, but when they weren’t, dear lord they weren’t.

First I’ll go with Jackie Chan, who I’ve got little to say except for this: Shanghai Knights ranks among the worst films I’ve ever seen. Owen Wilson was lucky that he had his work with Wes Anderson to fall back on, or I would punch him so hard in the face that his nose would finally fix itself and he would lose his cinematic trademark. You’re good value, Owen Wilson; don’t bring yourself down to this sort of level again. Despite the lack of Ratner activity, the Shanghai franchise was another Jackie Chan “buddy movie” – so I could bring it up here.

I don’t have much else to say about this trailer, besides the fact that it features an action sequence that looks pretty much directly lifted from the first Rush Hour and it features a lot of hilarious “The French and Americans hate each other!” jokes – Chris Rock thought it was because he’s black, but nooooo! Take that, humourous expectation! What really draws one’s attention is this:

You’re Asian! Stop humiliating yourself!

What the hell is that supposed to mean? This is a movie that has a fairly amusing “Who’s on first?” with Chinese names, but then … seriously, what the hell, Chris Rock? I’m essentially apoplectic with confusion. Are Asian people the new minstrels of Hollywood or something? They’re teaming them up with gays (please note: Asian people can be gay, too, which would make for a movie so funny the world would create a black hole from which no laughter could escape) across the land. We are truly in a new and golden age of cinema.

On the other hand, I saw the trailer for Die Hard 4.0 (strangely not going by its American title, Live Free or Die Hard), and if that’s not going to be the best movie ever, I don’t know what is. I mean, I’d heard that a car gets driven into a helicopter, but … seeing it in action!

My relationship with dumb action movies is patchy at best. Most of the time I couldn’t be bothered, but something about a movie of this calibre just gets my blood pumping. I’ve only seen the first Die Hard, starring Severus Snape and Carl Winslow, but I don’t think I need a lot of briefing for this movie. I think that one can pretty much just go and watch any Bruce Willis action movie and know what sort of things they can expect.

Also on offer was The Bourne Ultimatum, which had a trailer that was actually compelling, unlike the teaser that I saw at Breach (coincidentally, that was a great movie with powerhouse performances – vindicating my undying love for Laura Linney). I’m not going to share that here, but it’s still interesting to note that a trailer can either make a movie more appealing or a total turn off.

PS. When I saw The Simpsons Movie (and more on that later, although I’m tempted instead to submit a long, drawn out yawn), I was confronted with a trailer for Ratatouille. Sure, we’re way behind here, but it looks awesome.

Coming Out

Batrock.net is not normally a “personal” blog (and I secretly hate that word), although one would hope that you get the “flavour of Alex” from the consumption of its words. The following subject perhaps doesn’t make good reading, but I feel it is important.

The thing is, my story is like a hugely anti-climactic epic. It’s as if Harry Potter had ended with Harry confronting Voldemort, who threw up his hands and went quietly, renouncing his evil ways and helping to rebuild society. Despite this, it’s kind of a huge event in my life.

I Now Pronounce You … Creatively and Morally Bankrupt Ambiguous?

Note: I left this one stewing for too long, and some answers are provided at the end. But hey, it’s all a little different to me now considering I came out last weekend. Still, I’m now leaning more towards my “bankrupt” rather than plain “ambiguous” conclusion.

The moment that the trailer for I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry came on before I saw Knocked Up, I swore under my breath. Having seen the trailer at Ocean’s Thirteen, I was prepared again for the worst. I was struck by a different trailer, this time, one that didn’t make it seem as if it was the end of days. It’s amazing how the way something is cut can change a tone from exploitative to something semi-emotional.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Lite Edition

I figured that I should let everyone know that the internet is finally safe again, for I have concluded Deathly Hallows. With other stuff besides, which I will enumerate later, perhaps even an assault of my words will find its way to you.

Anyway, as to the book itself: ultimately, fantastic. There is entirely too much downtime in the mid-section, spent with Harry, Ron and Hermione doing not a lot, and this is brought into sharp relief later in the book when a mere few paragraphs describe all of this super exciting stuff that has been happening away from them. Then the three of them join the super exciting stuff and most is forgiven.

The book suffers from not having the structure of a school year to give the suggestion of progress, but the last two hundred or so pages are practically impossible to not read, such is their quality. It’s almost fan service in its spectacle, although nowhere near as cynical.

Several times throughout the book, I got teary eyed, or pumped full of adrenaline. Rowling has done her job, done it well, written in an epilogue that serves as either a deterrent of further adventures or a blank canvas for further adventures (I’ve read complaints that it’s fanfic bait), and … she never has to write again.

If I don’t get around to saying more stuff about it, Mark is liveblogging the book.