Kylie Minogue returns in All the Lovers: is she a replicant?

It has been written into Australian law that I have to love Kylie Minogue. I have absolutely no say in the matter. There is no point in fighting what is my ultimate destiny: to lay down my life in duty to Kylie. After the mixed response to X (“The worst thing she’s ever done”/”The best thing she’s done since Light Years“/”Body Language kind of sucked, didn’t it?”), Kylie returns on July 5 with Aphrodite. Today she released the video for the lead single, “All The Lovers”:

I don’t really know what I think of the song or the video. People who know more about me think that “All The Lovers” could become an anthemic dance floor hit, but I’m not sure about that. I spend so little time on dance floors that my opinion is largely irrelevant on that count. The song sounds pretty middle of the range. I’ve listened to it a few times now, and I know some people were instantly blown away. I know that when the album comes out I will probably listen to it endlessly and pick the choicest songs for my “Mostly Awesome” playlist, before it becomes the occasional curio.

As to the video itself: well, it’s a pansexual orgy or something. Everyone removes their clothes, forms a pyramid, puts Kylie on top. There’s a giant inflatable elephant, and a horse galloping through streets frozen in time. If only it were a unicorn. If only I could see what Kylie has seen with my eyes.

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