Last year I “deadblogged” the Oscars in a notebook which I was too exhausted to transcribe. At a glance, the best note was the following:
“Who knows which [of these movies] are already on their journeys to next year’s Academy Awards?”
-The ones in the fourth quarter.
As always, the “Deadblog” is entirely optional, as it boils down to 2600 words of stream of consciousness typed in real time watching my recording of the Oscars (and a Youtube video). Think of it as a distilled, more inane version of my Twitter feed.
I will venture a more professional write up soon. Needless to say, the following contains Oscar spoilers.
Bit of an underwhelming year, but what can you do? It went almost exactly as expected, except for … I’m furrowing my brow here. But know my rage and read on.
As always, Mark’s legitimately live blog can be found here.
Gabourey Sidibe preening in front of the audience.
George Clooney doesn’t look like he’s having fun at all.
Neil Patrick Harris! But he’s insufficiently miked.
Also why was there a joke about dropping the soap?
Baldwin and Martin actually funny, or at least entertaining.
WHOO YEAH CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Ryan Reynolds, honestly thought you were taking the piss from The Blind Side. It needs it.
Doesn’t Cameron Diaz bring out the animated every year?
Gator making fun of Halle Berry.
Argh, Up acceptance speech made me tear up.
MILEY AND AMANDA I HAVE SEEN YOU BOTH ON THE STAGE BEFORE DON’T LIE TO ME ABOUT NERVES GODDAMN YOU
Princess and the Frog was awesome. Didn’t even feel like Randy Newman. Whereas Toy Story 3‘s blatant Randiness gets to me.
The weary kind!
Chris Pine is love.
Sickly little mole people.
The Hurt Locker best original Screenplay what the fuck is this shit
Something is wrong with the PA system.
Of course, Molly Ringwald is here for John Hughes.
Molly Ringwald looks like she doesn’t know why she’s here. Matthew Broderick has more of a feeling of how to actually speak to an audience. But then, he’s Matthew Broderick, who will probably never quite be “just” Mister Sarah Jessica Parker.
John Hughes confession: I’ve only seen Uncle Buck, Home Alone and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Remember how old Daniel Stern is now?
How come Hughes gets a retrospective? So many cool people die, and they don’t get retrospectives.
When I die, someone make me a retrospective.
I would like to watch the works of Hughes but I would feel ridiculously self conscious doing so. Also, Long Duk Dong or something.
Ebert was right when he said that Hughes quit young and died young. Maybe Scorsese will make movie about Hughes as a sequel to The Aviator.
I can’t hear a goddamn thing the announcer is saying.
So a lot of the actors speaking in memory of John Hughes haven’t actually had any work since John Hughes. And Macaulay Culkin still looks like a taller version of himself.
Great shot of Taylor Lautner and Kristin Stewart just thinking “wtf is this”.
Why is Jake Gyllenhaal sitting with Rachel MacAdams?
Up is the second movie in history to be nominated for best animated and best film? What was the other? I am sure I would remember this.
Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana coming on stage wearing massive trains.
I also think that Carey Mulligan does better without blonde hair. Also I will never forgive her for going out with Shia LeBouef.
Tin Toy looks terrifying. ALSO Cars is not Lasseter’s best work, shut up!
Cars is not a great or entertaining story, God damn you!
Logorama wins. Except I would have thought it was pronounced “Lowgorama”, rather than “Loggorama”.
This producer seemed a bit awkward, as if he’s in incredible fear of being played off.
Also that fringe does nothing for Mulligan.
So we’re presently in the zone of movies no one has heard of/cares about.
Also this woman has kind of butted in on this guy. I think he’s had his Oscars ruined.
FIRST PLAY OFF
I understand the “need” for the play off but it still seems a bit rude to me.
And I always forget that they have the same two presenters on for the longest awkwardest period for this.
Short films, when they’re not awful student films, are probably a valid art form but when do you get to see them?
Oh look, it’s like the same as if Vincent D’onofrio won an award.
SECOND PLAY OFF. If you’ve got two dudes accepting an award, let the second dude say at least a little!
Get it, Ben Stiller is done up like a Na’vi, it’s hilarious! It’s not as good as his work as Joaquin Phoenix a while back. It was kind of racist this time! Clicking!
Maggie Gyllenhaal is lovin’ it, though.
“The ironic thing is that Avatar isn’t even nominated” – okay, that was all right, but just do it, Ben. JUST DO IT.
James Cameron is not lookng like he’s having a good time tonight. Oh, now he’s laughing. LET’S DRAG ON A JOKE FOREVER.
Deep Roy was Scottie’s sidekick?!
Star Trek proves that aliens are makeup. Also pointy ears. Why is this guy accepting the award in what looks like a Kangol hat?
Shot of Kate Winslet looking bored as Hell.
Jeff Bridges presents: A Serious Man!
Oh, I get it, because he’s “The Dude”. Remember how people complained that he’ll always be known as The Dude? But the thing is, Bridges does a heck of a lot of stuff and people love him for it … so what’s wrong with people linking him to that role sometimes? I’m sure he doesn’t mind, he still gets work.
I also liked that “A Serious Man” somehow became a euphemism for being Jewish by someone I saw on Twitter.
So here are Jake and Rachel presenting together. Jake is looking a bit out of it.
CG books! I mean, I like seeing a script read on screen, but the CG thing is thing.
GET OFF THE SCREEN PETER SARSGAARD GO AWAY
Also District 9 was largely improvved?
Oh, Precious won best adapted, which means … what the fuck? That picture I saw suggests this giant upset coming up which makes me wonder and then … I think my head is going to explode and die. Bloody spoilers.
Gabourey Sidibe needs to do more awards shows.
I have a feeling Precious dude is going to get played off … which would be way rude given his emotion right here. But then everyone could tear it up.
So naturally they cut to a reaction shot of Morgan Freeman? Naturally.
Lauren Bacall is a great lady. She needs to tweet more.
Lauren Bacall looks really uncertain about getting up. Matt Damon and … every actor they’re cutting to … are just like “what?” and then there’s a stranding ovation for some reason … it really is true that the Oscars are a collection of introspection and navel gazing, but still.
Robin Williams presented best supporting actress? Oh, right, because Heath Ledger couldn’t.
Pené is looking at the screen and thinking “Nine was not my finest hour.”
How are these clips of Anna Kendrick indicative of best supportingness? And the Vera Farmiga clips didn’t look that good either.
Oh, here we go, Mo’Nique.
Also some of these clips are way spoily.
Then Mo’Nique is all “oh my god” and of course she hugs Gabourey Sidibe because they are not the same people as their characters.
Hopefully this speech will be good. And she gets a standing ovation. How do they decide these things?
“Thank you, Hattie McDaniel”.
Mo’Nique should do “unpopular” things more often.
Samuel L. Jackson just pulled a hilarious face.
Colin Firth is presenting An Education, presumably because he is British.
REALLY COLIN FIRTH, AN EDUCATION IS “FRESH AND SURPRISING”? NO. NO IT IS NOT.
“Oh, you’re not a woman.” Thank you, Emma Thompson. Thank you!
Look at these clips of Carey Mulligan. Look at that hair! Beautiful! Elegant!
Then Peter Sarsgaard gives Maggie G a knowing look.
Sigourney Weaver takes the stage in a toga stained with the blood of her enemies.
Avatar wins its first award, for production design. And James Cameron is all like “whoo”.
“This Oscar sees you”.
Kathy Bates looking very serious and grim.
As predicted, The Young Victoria wins best costume design.
“I already have two of these.”
“I dedicate this award to people who don’t get recognised by the Academy because they make contemporary low budget stuff.”
Charlize Theron introduces Precious (in that hideous dress), I guess because she was “ugly” in Monster.
Paranormal Activity jokes.
Taylor Lautner doesn’t know how to step down a staircase. Why is the music so loud and overpowering?
Benefit of not having watched this live is being able to fast-forward through all of the horrible montages. Number one: horror.
Morgan Freeman doing a voice over narration for stuff, yeah.
This is the real dragging point, I’m just like “eh” … but I have to watch the majority of the show, for real.
Wow, they’re not trying to show why each film’s been chosen for Sound Editing?
Zac Efron has bed head.
Winner of sound editing for Explosions Movie (The Hurt Locker) looks like a … big nerd? I don’t know.
Best sound mixing, whooooo
Transformers has an academy award nomination, yessss
So the same guy comes out again, so hopefully the other guys gives the speech.
Kathryn Bigelow is looking good tonight.
Elizabeth Banks takes the stage! Elizabeth Banks is better than Jessica Biel, I’m sorry.
John Travolta is introducing Inglourious Basterds because he was in Old Dogs Pulp Fiction.
Avatar wins cinematography. How do you tell what was filmed and what wasn’t in that movie? That’s a real question, by the way.
Now it’s the death roll. You could tell because “Unchained Melody” and Demi Moore came on.
So a dude comes on to perform the song of death.
My mother: “James Taylor doesn’t have the voice he used to”.
J-Lo takes the stage. With Sam Worthington. I love Sam Worthington’s glasses!
Sam Worthington speaking Australian! It’s awesome! I wish he could have made Avatar wih an Australian accent. Australian action heroes/heroines are awesome.
If my parents weren’t watching the TV I would just fast-forward this “dancing to scores” bit.
As if The Hurt Locker had memorable music! Why would you mime break dance to it?
Reminder: Fantastic Mr. Fox was a great movie.
WHY IS EVERYONE DOING THE ROBOT GODDAMNIT WHY
To be honest, gettin’ a bit emotional listening to the Up score. Such a beauteous movie!
Up wins best score! Now let’s all have fifty years of loving relationships, then kill Christopher Plummer and become a father figure to a young boy!
“My parents and peers gave me moral support in my choice of profession and creativity since I was young and NOW I WON AN OSCAR IN YOUR FACE EVERYONE WHO … supported me? Oh, thanks.”
Gerard Butler, actually being Scottish! People should use their real accents more often.
Best Visual Effects goes to … Avatar. Why was Bradley Cooper also presenting this.
“The world we live in is just as amazing as the one we created for you.”
Translation: for the love of Christ, please don’t kill yourself.
Jason Bateman presents Up In The Air. But he was in it! This isn’t on!
Matt Damon presents best documentary.
Reminder: Fisher Stevens, one of the people credited with making The Cove, starred in the Super Mario Bros movie as Iggy.
Camera cut away because one of The Cove people put up a political dolphin message on camera.
Tyler Perry acknowledged that he’ll never get to the Oscars again. So his speech is going forever.
DUAL SLANKET ACTION
Editing goes to Das Hurt Locker – the winners started with Sam Raimi. They appear to be a husband and wife team. “Everybody made the movie we wanted to make and I’m glad everybody liked it.”
Keanu Reeves is introducing The Hurt Locker. Because he was in Point Break. “Noooooooooooooo!”
Wait, the logo says “The 82 Annual Academy Awards”. That doesn’t work.
Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino co-presenting? This is like some wild fever dream. I almost wish I was Pedro Almodovar.
Quentin Tarantino really is kind of like a parody of himself, isn’t he?
Best Foreign Language film goes to … “The Secret In Their Eyes“, which is a giant upset to the world that had only heard of A Prophet.
I wish we got more foreign films here. More films, generally. Films! One of our best things is we don’t get Tyler Perry.
“This is the sixth nomination and second Academy Award for Argentina!”
Films don’t work the same way as sporting medals.
“I’d like to thank the Academy for not considering Na’vi a foreign language”.
– This joke kind of bombed but I thought it was pretty good.
JAMES CAMERON LOOKS AS IF HE HAS BEEN SLIGHTED.
Kathy Bates is presenting Avatar because she is the unsinkable Molly Brown. Also The Blind Side sucked.
I still think the whole “previous co-workers telling people how great they are” idea they brought in last year is a bit weird.
Michelle Pfeiffer, you are still welcome in Hollywood!
Vera Farmiga presents to George Clooney, with whom she appears to be in love. She looks kinda like Lucy tonight. “Hey Ricky!”
JULIANNE MOORE FUCK YES I LOVE YOU
She is seriously one of the best actresses/people ever.
Julianne Moore and Colin Firth should run off together!
Tim Robbins is presenting to Morgan Freeman. Whatever happened to Tim Robbins? Has been been around since Catch a Fire?
Colin Farrell presents for Jeremy Renner – because they costarred in SWAT? Has … anyone even seen SWAT? I know that Samuel L. Jackson didn’t. Also this speech is pretty much saying “Yeah, you’ve made shit movies, Jeremy, I’m so happy you made one worthy of your talent.”
Go Kate Winslet! Well, Jeff Bridges won because I guess he played a guitar and sang a song and pretended to be drunk?
My father says “his speech is very moving” … thanks, Dad!
He looks like he’s going to cry a little. I like it when they’re like that.
If you play him off, I will cut you.
Jeff Bridges has been married to his wife for 33 years … same length as my parents. Where’s my father’s Oscar? (Also, Bridges is exactly one day older than my father).
Best Actress time. Who’s going to give the pep talks? The gender divide is arbitrary … So …
Forest Whitaker is presenting to Sandra Bullock for some reason. I can’t tell what movie they were in together … oh, “Hope Floats“. Wait, surely no one saw that? Why did Forest direct it?
Michael Sheen! He presents to Helen Mirren because he is Tony Blair.
Peter Sarsgaard presents to Carey Mulligan. Sarsgaard is so slightly effeminate in real life.
“Meryl Streep” seems to be the yardstick for actresses but seriously Julie & Julia was awful.
Oprah had nothing to do with the production of Precious, she just managed to bring it into wider distribution (which is an admirable thing in itself). Peanut gallery commenting on Gabourey Sidibe over here.
Stanley Tucci is working to cap nominations at sixteen. If this actually happened, you’d have to be nominated for good movies.
Sean Penn is now presenting. He’s not a member of the Academy? What a jerk! Remember when Josh Brolin shot him in the face?
WHAT THE FUCK SANDRA BULLOCK FUCK YOU
“Did I actually earn this or did I just wear you down?” – Get out of here, Sandra Bullock! Get out! Make good movies! Don’t make lame arse motivational movies about rich white people helping out poor black people!
Worst best actress winner ever!
Mark Boal is just a skinnier version of Jason Reitman.
Have there been any audience shots of Angelina, Brad or Jack Nicholson tonight?
Damn you, Barbra! Damn you for pre-empting Kathryn Bigelow! I don’t know what I think about this, I’m just glad it wasn’t Jason Reitman?
My mother can’t get over how tall Kathryn Bigelow is.
Mother: Why is Barbra Streisand presenting?
Me: Because she’s a woman, and she’s directed films.
Mother: [rolls eyes]
REALLY “I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR”?! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ACADEMY I MEAN SERIOUSLY
Did Tom Hanks just ruin the Oscars? He seriously did! (I rewound this afterwards to find that he hadn’t).
I think only two people have called the experience ”humbling” tonight.