Sometimes I read something on the internet that makes me so angry that I have no choice but to retaliate with words. Today I hit that wall when I saw this travesty: Top 5 Most Irritating RPG Protagonists, by self-professed baby kidnapper Bob Mackey.
On the internet, there is no better recourse to the infuriating actions of a heretic than the open letter. I have produced the following to name and shame this disgrace to the good name of video game reportage:
Dear Bob “BobServo” Mackey,
You have just written the stupidest shit to ever grace the internet. I assure you, sir, that every game that you have defamed is actually Grade A art. The fact of the matter is, if you were to look up any – any, I assure you – of these games, on your very same website, you would find that they are universally loved by the entire gaming continuum.
If you cannot see that Crono, star of one of the single most beloved RPGs of all time (the game popularised talking frog knights and made the criminally blind Western World realise that Toriyama isn’t just “It’s OVER 9000 lulz!”), is an analogue of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, then you simply did not play it right. I do not hesitate to point out that Crono spoke at length in one of the bonus endings of Chrono Trigger – although I suppose that you wouldn’t know about that because you’re a mere casual gamer.
Why don’t you go back to your Halo and, God help me, Madden (if only there was a way to make it clear to you that merely typing that word caused me to roll my eyes so hard they went into the back of my head and my mother thought I was having a seizure), and leave the serious games to serious gamers like myself.
I’m sorry, Bob, but we gamers have faced persecution for so long, and you’re doing nothing to help our cause. Do you know how hard we fought to gain access to even poorly translated RPGs to make their ways to our shores? If you could even begin to understand how far back you’re setting us with this, frankly, divisive article! As a result of your words, JRPGs are either going to stop being exported whatsoever or – arguably worse – they’re going to retool all of the protagonists into jocks, who go out with cheerleaders … and they’d probably fight, I don’t know, space alien bugs with chainsaw guns. But I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you, you charlatan!
I therefore demand that you immediately retract this … article, no, strike that, this heresy and issue a formal apology. I truly expected better from 1UP but, time and time again, I have been shown to be the fool in that equation. Please consider my request or I’m going to be forced to go on another one of my hunger strikes. I assure you, with my blood sugar levels being what they are, it won’t be pretty.
Yours in Gaming,
Alex “Batrock” Doenau.