With only one win revealed to me, I’m ready to begin the descent into boredom following early enthusiasm that is The Oscars!
Post-game: A satisfactory ceremony that failed to piss me off. Now that the internet is safe, Mark’s take is here.
Red Carpet Crap
In Australia, we start the Oscars with the Red Carpet special. Which is boring – but at least it’s accompanied by Kylie a bit.
Cameron Diaz was shocked when Richard Wilkins leaned in to kiss her. Why would anyone pay attention to Richard Wilkins?
It’s really weird to see Harrison Ford with Calista Flockhart.
Hilary Swank is totally not a man.
GOD THIS IS THE MOST BORING RED CARPET EVER I REFUSE TO DEADBLOG IT UNLESS SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS
Look, stereotypical gay guy is on TV.
Why is Miley Cyrus at the Oscars!?
Laura Linney is on the red carpet. I don’t know why I love her so much. I don’t know how they let this extended piece of product placement on TV. WHY DOES RICHARD WILKINS CARE SO MUCH ABOUT HOW PEOPLES’ FEET ARE?
Why is Patrick Dempsey considered McDreamy? Like everyone else on that stupid show he’s freakin’ wet.
Anne Hathaway sure is personable.
Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill look exactly the same!
Miley Cyrus speaks weird and a million miles! And people complained about the Gilmore Girls!
Yes! Nicole Kidman is trying to run away from Richard Wilkins!
Bad CG, whoo! I don’t know what the point of this is, it’s not particularly funny or technically impressive. Tony: what the hell am I watching, this is horrible.
Here we go with Jon Stewart, who I have not watched for a year. Let’s respect writers, and so forth. You know, musicians, without writers, become “people who perform music”. Is Jon Stewart going to make me happier than Ellen did last year? Close ups of DDL and Javier Bardem … also Johnny Depp. Killin’ people, teen pregnancy …
At least people are kind of laughing.
Chigur haircut jokes, who can ignore them. I can’t believe … oh wait, Hillary Clinton joke! Whoooo!
Saoirse Ronan looks totally different here. Atonement as a tribute to Yom Kippur – “See where the Jews are in the audience”.
Jon Stewart on Norbit: “The Academy too often ignores movies that aren’t good.”
Dennis Hopper is holding up well, I can’t wait for Super Mario Bros. 2.
Did you know that Diablo Cody isn’t a real name? It’s a true story. Also tattoos are awful.
“That makes my stripper name Olympia Dukakis.”
Staying the course on Iraq movies is grand. “We cannot let the audience win!” You know, they can go both ways.
“When you see a black man or a woman president, there’s normally an asteroid about to strike the world.”
Jon Stewart is a funny man.
Man, I sure am tired of Green Oscars.
We begin our evening with Jennifer Garner, wondering what the hell is up with the stage, and why her hair is so busy.
Costume design! Is what she’s saying a joke or not at all? It’s hard to tell, it’s structured like a joke but it fails to be funny. I don’t know, why do I like Jennifer Garner?
Costume Design: Alexandra Byrne – Elizabeth the Golden Age
AKA Elizabeth: The Chronicles of Narnia.
Jorge Clooney takes the stage. And he admits that the Oscars are consistently long!
80 Years of Oscar
Is this just a celebration of decadence? I’m thinking that’s what this may well be. Wait, wait, “My Heart Will Go On”? Ben Affleck won an Oscar. That still makes me laugh.
You”’rrrrreeee heeeerrreeeee …. … there’s nothing I feeeeeeeer
Except we’re forgetting that the song is about moving on.
Russell Crowe was so young! Charlie Chaplin was so old! And looked like Al Gore?
Is Jon Stewart allowed to admit that the montages are boring?
Helen Mirren sitting next to a very bored looking Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Steve Carell: you forget how good he is because he’s made those lousy movies of late.
Best animated feature (not documentary)
“Is this being shown in Belgium?”
It’s not very convincingly unscripted.
I want to see Persepolis.
They actually used a good clip from Ratatouille.
I forgot Brad Bird does a spot of voice acting.
“If movies didn’t exist … I’d have to invent them.”
Let’s send Brad Bird off the stage! Those mean people.
Katherine Heigl! You suck! Get off the stage!
La Vie en Rose wins. Marion Cotillard looks overjoied. I was so hoping for Norbit! The good thing about it winning is that we get to hear the movie’s theme. Which I have been listening to quite a bit despite my lack of having seen the movie. I could have done it yesterday, but I didn’t. “I am really happy for being here with you.”
Best song performance one: HAPPY WORKING SONG! Go Amy Adams!
Hope sez: “Her dress is sooooooo Isla”.
I missed that performance because my cousin called to complain about Veronica Mars having been cancelled.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Best visual effects
Poor The Rock. Referring to himself in the third person.
Best Ice Bear: Ian McKellen.
Worst Transformers: Transformers.
The Golden Compass
Hooray! Ice Bears all around! Their acceptance speeches were short and to the point.
The PA is busted.
Cate Blanchett! You tear that stage up! Man, Calista Flockhart always looks like she’s smirking at something. It’s weird to see her speaking Australian.
Admit it, the best part of this whole show is hearing iconic themes from the movies. Hah, they even showed the bowling alley in There Will Be Blood.
Sweeney Todd takes it! Don’t encourage Tim Burton, he’ll just make more movies like that and hopefully less crap like The Corpse Bride (oh come on, you know that movie was a solid and lousy six). Johnny Depp totally blew a kiss.
“Right now, I, Jon Stewart, am being played by Cate Blanchett.”
Best Supporting Actor
Oh, Danny Kaye. Ah, Dianne Wiest: still alive.
They’re showing Cuba Gooding Jr. just to piss off Spike Lee!
YES! “LOVE YOU I DO!” Go Jennifer Hudson! Shake your chest for some reason?
You know they would put that scene as the Javier Bardem example. You knew it. Wow, my tenses are screwed. “I need to know what I stand to win.”
“I’ve bin with the company for twenty four years!”
Old guy from Into the Wild seemed a strange nom from that movie. Bloody Emile Hirsch.
Javier Bardem! Who is surprised! Look at Josh Brolin, so happy and clappin’! Javier Bardem has a totally different voice in real life. And he knew he had to speak fast! I remember when they kicked Jennifer Hudson off last year.
You know what it means when you take your mother to the Oscars? It means you’re gay. If that means I can make out with Penelope Cruz, I’m all for taking my mother to the Oscars.
Oscars salute to binoculars and telescopes!?
Yes, they know that the Oscars are full of pointless stuff.
Why use August Rush to promote Keri Russell when Waitress is a billion times better? I guess that the best song nomination makes sense here, but that is not a very good movie. Damned “amazing eleven year olds” with their singin’ and their gospel.
Robin Williams needs to break onto this stage and just start messin’ things up, the way he did in the movie as an obstacle to happiness. Damn that movie.
“Helen Mirren, you got served.”
Owen Wilson takes the stage. Check him out. He’s allowed on TV, with a nose more broken than ever before.
Wow, he didn’t even try to make a joke. They’re not always giving names.
Le Mozart des Pickpockets
Look, I’m not going to pretend this means anything to me.
Why wasn’t Bee Movie nominated for Best Animated? I mean, it was probably better than Surf’s Up That was an excuse for another montage!
Animated Short Film
Peter and the Wolf
I got nothing.
To be honest, some of these montages really are apropos of nothing. Go Alan Arkin! What was the music that ushered him on?
Best Supporting Actrine
Remember I’m Not There? What a strange movie that was.
Hah, they really did show Ruby Dee’s slapping scene to make her best supporting. And Ruby Dee was like “what the fuck?”
Saorsie Ronan! Go! Get a spellable name! (said Alexander Doenau).
Whoa, Tilda Swinton was a brunette in Michael Clayton, I forgot that. She looks so pale and ginger in real life.
What the hell, Michael Clayton? It’s like “I have a lump in my breast, I will go psycho murder bitch about my court case”, and that garners you an award! “Happy birthday, man …”
Okay, George Clooney turned up to Michael Clayton every day as Batman! That automatically reassesses the movie as total legit good.
James McAvoy and Josh Brolin! Gay men love them. Brolin is better when he’s in country runner mode.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Who shall win? I haven’t read any of these books so I don’t want to guess. But I’m suggesting No Country Fo’ Ol’ Men. Wait, that’s what Jennifer Hudson called it.
No Country For Old Men. Hells yeah! You go, guys! I wonder if Josh Brolin resents them for how hard he had to work to get into the dang movie. The Cohens are the same person, but one has bigger hair and is slightly taller.
Sid Ganis. Think you can lead the Academy, eh? Well, all right then.
Have there been upsets yet tonight? Not so much.
I must join the Academy so that I can get free movies! Yes! Alfred Molina! Forever he will be the “99 Luft Balloons” of my heart.
Booooo John Travolta. Oh wait I’m okay with him now.
Ruby Dee is very well preserved.
Jon Stewart is loving this.
MILEY CYRUS WHAT THE EFF WHY PRESENT FOR
Kristen Chenoweth better start rockin’ my world some time, she’s no Amy Adams.
Remember how bad the “Blame Canada” performance was?
Nicole Kidman isn’t in the audience?
Dame Judi Dench shouldn’t have to share the stage with Catwoman! Oh wait, Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen. They win! Those identiclé twins. They admit they look exactly the same. But Dame Judi Dench is great to aspire to.
Best Sound Editing
Worst Transformers: Transformers.
The Bourne Ultimatum
I’m glad that grease didn’t get to vote for the awards, because then all of the ballots would have been covered with semen indicating Transformers as the winner. Damn them.
Whoo continuing joke.
Best Sound Mixing
Everyone loves these awards.
The Bourne Ultimatum
It sure was a technical movie. It must be hard to judge these awards. Also ironic how poorly the sound was mixed into the actual show.
When is the Forrest Gump theme ever appropriate? “This is for every nameless face of women of culla”.
Forest Whittaker takes the stage, which must mean it’s time for …
Except I know who wins.
Cate Blanchett looked horrified by her performance.
I want The Savages to be out here, damnit! And Laura Linney is all like “I’m not going to win, but I can smile”.
Cate Blanchett looked so happy for her!
Wii product placement, look at that.
Let’s sing from Once, which I have also failed to see despite it probably being very good.
Jack Nicholson? Where’s the joy now, Jack?! Where’s the joy?!
EVEN ROCKY HAD A MONTAGE
Renee Zellwegger? Man, she sure thinks she’s great.
I’m guessing The Bourne Ultimatum.
The Bourne Ultimatum; unsurprising! Clean up the tech!
Why did Jon Stewart yell at the orchestra? I don’t know what’s going on.
Nicole is there for real now.
Honorary Oscar: Production Designer Dudemander Jones
I mean, uh Robert Boyle
98 and still kicking, and making Jennifer Garner all emotional! “I’d like to thank Nicole Kidman.”
“I want to thank my wife and children who loved and supported me with love and support.”
Viggo Mortensen still looks like a commie, by the way. For some reason, a shot of him and Laura Linney.
Get off the stage, Patrick Dempsey! But hey, at least Enchanted was good. Why is Amy Adams dancing with some lame arse prince, rather than James Marsden or Patrick Dempsey? While I would love for her to have major starring roles, I’m also happy to just have her show up all over the place. She was the hidden delight of Charlie Wilson’s War. Maybe I’m too soft. It’s interesting that they did the Enchanted songs separately, unlike the Dreamgirls medley of horror last year. Wait, John Travolta was dancing there? What a segue.
Dear God, John Travolta still sounds like Edna Turnblad. This really is a joke category, though, you know how many movies nowadays bother with original songs? By the way, “So Close” is ridiculously generic movie ballad, although not as offensive Carrie Underwood’s “Everafter”.
Look, Once won.
“Make art, make art”.
AWFUL PRODUCTION VALUES
“Wow, that guy is so arrogant.”
Tony: John Travolta is awesome, except for being a Scientologist.
Showing old Awards ceremonies, even as old as only 15 years or so ago, makes it clear how damned low tech it used to be.
Czech girl now gets to say thank you for her award – thank you for the nudge, Academy! You’re good guys sometimes. AND ANOTHER LAURA LINNEY SHOT. I ain’t complaining, I sho’ ’nuff love her.
“Let’s have them kiss!”
“But they’re both guys!”
“So? This is Hollywood!”
Hope suggests that Cameron Diaz is wearing a sheet. I wonder what’s going on with her boobs right there.
Movies are sure good.
There Will Be Blood
To be honest I can’t remember how the movie was shot. Let’s just say it was shot well.
The awards aren’t dragging this year. There have been some off bits but nothing as boring as last year.
I guess Hilary Swank does have boyish lips.
Parade of the Dead
Should have Heath Ledger in it. Actually, maybe next year? Who can say. He ended it. Miss Moneypenny was in there too.
The PA system at this award ceremony is awful.
AMY ADAMS WHOO YEAH
Best Original Score
Give it to Atonement, damnit! Why has it won nothing?!
YES! YES! WHOOO I WIN!
I just hope there isn’t an influx of typewriter scores in Hollywood. Italian name, British accent! I imagine they’ll cut off this speech. Oh, he stopped short.
People keep on hitting the stand. Tom Hanks, you say? “He has no place being here. He’s got a lot of nerve, that guy”.
Wait, did Tom Hanks just teleport to the stage?
Yeah, some Australian thing won this or something. I think I’m just glad that Michael Moore didn’t win. Dang Michael Moore, I don’t even know what I have against him.
Taxi To The Dark Side
A taxi? So that’s where Palpatine went wrong with young Skywalker!
Can you feel the love tonight?
“I sure am Harrison Ford.”
Really, Diablo Cody? They’re going to show these people just sitting around typing? Wait, Jan Pinkava gets shown typing?
Look at her, she knows not what the hellfire tothink. And Ellen Page is all “omg!” and Jennifer Garner is “I’m so happy for you!” and Diablo Cody suddenly realises that she is dressed like she should be in the new Flintsones movie. At least she’s humble, despite being in some sort of reality a really annoying woman. I guess I’m a super annoying dude, myself, sometimes, but I don’t have an ex-stripper blog that goes on at length about … I don’t even know.
Look, she’s crying! She can’t handle it! Yeah, that’s a pretty good best script, I’ll give you that, poor Diablo Cody.
“The streets of Heaven are too crowded with angels.” Take that, Fred Phelps!
I feel kind of dirty that Forest Whitaker’s speech just cut to shots of Will Smith and stuff.
Helen Mirren takes the stage! Queen it up!
Way to show the end of Michael Clayton as the George Clooney clip.
They didn’t show the obvious DDL scene. But that one was pretty good.
I will have vengeannnce … what’s a good clip of Sweeney Todd, though? It’s a movie that consists of context.
Who is Viggo Mortensen sitting with?
He accepts your award! And gets knighted by the Queen! That was genius! I don’t know, I’m thinking very highly of There Will Be Blood right now. I mean, I surely liked it, but right now I’m thinking “whoooo”. I love “generic award bestower” woman ushering off the stage.
Remember last year, when it was the Age of Scorsese? That was a weird year. Now present the heck out of this award, Martin!
JOEL AND ETHAN COHEN
YEAH! Don’t put it in with the other movies, because then it will become just another movie. Which it is. “I don’t have a lot to add to what I said earlier. Thank you.”
It’s sandbox playing with them.
Denzel Washington takes the stage, looking all serious.
I still don’t understand why Juno is here. Or Michael Clayton.
HERE IT IS WHAT IS IT!
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
They didn’t even give the Cohens time to go back to their seats! I am happy with this result, after the semi BS of the last couple of years. I mean, The Departed was good, but don’t you think it was a bit of a pity award? What a strange world we live in!
Thus ends the night. I remember when Crash won and the people went on stage to get their awards and it pretty much cut to the credits in disgust.
Basically, a pleasant evening, with not much in the way of boredom, and some quite pretty women – proof of Heaven, as you’re living, don’t you know – I could do this again next year without that many qualms. Now everyone go see No Country For Old Men so you can complain to me about the ending! It will be a masterstroke of victory. (why do they play Oklahoma every year, anyway?)