Field observations from a three time veteran of the Clubs

On the weekend, I made only my third pilgrimage to Oxford Street and the Midnight Shift. Along the way, I saw someone I recognised through work, wearing checked pants and a sort of emo style of makeup – he gave me a look of joyful recognition, but I can’t for the life of me remember where he works.
This much exposure to the buzzing scene of which I will only ever be an observer has obviously rendered me an expert, and I can share my findings with you. Forewarned, as they say, is forearmed (Rob Liefield flashback!).

Even if the crowd hates the song that is playing, the individual members will almost certainly have their own specific moves for that song mapped out.

For example, when Madonna’s “Sorry” played on Friday, one of my friends booed … and then launched into his own routine. This also proves that not everyone loves Madonna.

Songs that suck or you never pay attention to are magically transformed by the atmosphere.

Gwen Stefani’s “What you waiting for” and, presumably, her entire bizarre Japanophile/Alice in Wonderland fusion oeuvre, are the most meaningful pieces of musical entertainment in human history. The works of the Pussycat Dolls are rendered into epic tales of desire. “Push Up” is … okay, it’s not that great. Fine. And Bob Sinclair is still pretty repetitive dependent on the song. But on the plus side, the audiences are totally oblivious to the objectification and exploitation of women prevalent in the music videos projected on the walls (besides which, the worst culprits are the kinds of music that would never seek play in such establishments).

Take your friends or get eaten alive.

One of the hazards of the scene is Creepy Old Men. It’s not so much an age as it is a state of mind, but they’re really scary and they will try to ingratiate themselves with you. Fortunately if you have friends, they can close the circle. Creepy Old Men aren’t exactly stupid, however, and they can grow abusive when they realise you’re ignoring them – even if they’re not quite clever enough to also realise that they are the reason you have ceased all movement and would be praying for the sweet release of death were it not for the fear that they would manhandle your rapidly decaying corpse.

Some people will feel compelled to remove their shirts.

These people are frequently the kind that you emphatically do not want to see shirtless. See also: Creepy Old Men.

Drag performers are extremely tall, even without heels, and have been known to use shorter people’s shoulders as arm rests.

Okay, maybe that one was just me.

Even if your friends are on the verge of drunkenness and are totally ready to go home, “You Can’t Stop The Beat” will give them a second wind and send them running for the dance floor.

This one is emphatically, if perhaps specifically, true.

What the fuck.

Two weeks ago, a more regular (and legitimate) veteran than myself was hugged by multiple strangers who commended his bravery in wearing glasses.

Next Time: Tropical fish in a bar: what’s up with that? Plus! With smoking banned inside all pubs, clubs and bars, where am I going to get my cancer from?

Disclaimers: Some of the music that is played is indeed valid outside of the context of the clubs; not all Old Men are Creepy; it’s inconceivable that all people think of glasses as an impediment.


  1. FlipX November 30, 2007
  2. Curtis December 7, 2007

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