Seriously, you should come to my house and watch Heroes with me. I’m fairly certain that my periodic pausing of the show and swearing at the TV is more entertaining than what’s on offer. With each passing week I add a new character to the Pantheon of Idiocy™, but this time around it’s a spoiler, so check out within …
Week old spoilers!
Stupidity attacks from all sides! Duck for cover!
- Spider Petrelli is filled in on the plans for the heist, and hears the thoughts of a traitorous member of the Oirish Brotherhood. He’s not trusted enough to be believed and, besides that, no one knows that he can read minds. He desperately tries to conquer his powers (“Go web, go!”) to no avail, but he pulls through on the actual heist: the most amateurish effort in human history, saved only by his telekinetic manipulation of security trucks. The traitorous dude tries to turn traitor back at the pub, and shoots Peter Petrelli gun. Peter Petrelli doesn’t play that, and slams the traitor against the wall with his powers, then attempts to Force Choke the guy (seriously). Girl Oirish tells Peter Petrelli not to, and he lets go … and they let the traitor run off for some reason. As Girl Oirish tattoos the Oirish Brotherhood symbol on Peter Petrelli’s arm, Leader Oirish tells Peter Petrelli that he’s part of the family now and gives him the Box o’ Identity. Peter Petrelli eyes Girl Oirish and tells her that he’s afraid of who he might be, because he was totally going to kill the traitor. He decides not to find out who he is and settles for a life of petty theft (seriously, bookies?) and making out with Girl Oirish while the “Godsend” symbol appears on his arm.
I guess, if you’re into that …
- Maya and Alejandro, in a stupid burst of desperate effort, attempt to steal a car in broad daylight. Alejandro gets arrested, and thrown in a cell next to one of America’s number one exports to the US: a stoned college student. Maya goes to the prison and tries to bail out Alejandro, but she only has American money – and fourteen princely dollars at that! The gambit that she makes to get him out is to say “we are going to America because I am ill!”, which of course calls the legality of their passage into question.
When this doesn’t work, Maya pulls off the stupidest thing ever – she grabs her wanted poster off the wall and says “we’re murderers!”. I don’t know what she really hoped to achieve by this, but she gets arrested and freaks out because she goes into “black eyes kill” mode.
With the last of her strength she busts Alejandro out, and he brings everyone back to life. With the stoner revealing that he has a car (and a Nissan Rogue at that!), they escape with him.
- Strongarm and Technopath
- Turns out that DL is dead. Niki drops Micah off in N’yorlins so that he can set a spell with Grandma Uhura. (I detect some retooled plagiarism in the air!)
- Melvin and his Traveller’s Cheques
- On a beach, Michelle gives Sylar(!) a cocktail, but it turns out that they’re not actually in Maui, and that Michelle is actually Candice but Missy Peregrym’s price must have been too high – because it makes no sense that she would have to be incognito in the middle of nowhere. Despite being told that he doesn’t have his powers because he’s healing, Sylar kills Michelle anyway, revealing that she was a fat girl all along. Sadly, Sylar is an idiot and can’t use this new power either – and he’s alone in a really poorly shot forest.
- Whiny Lizard Girl
- Claire gets harrassed by West, who asks stupid questions in class and makes her cry. When Claire compares herself to a “brainless Barbie doll” because she doesn’t want to be noticed (although “mute girl of diminishing prettiness” would perhaps be more apt), West tells her to shut up and flies off with her in a dazzling feat of awful special effects (more on that in a bit). West and Claire make out, then Claire finds out that West was, two years ago, abducted by a man with Horn Rimmed Glasses. Cue angry looking Claire who apparently can’t remember that this is what her father used to do to survive, not because he liked doing it.
- The Amazing Manchild
- Parkman tries to shoot Mohinder for being in his own apartment. Mohinder is saddled with crappy dialogue like “someone’s grouchy when they don’t get their sleep”. I know that I got a “gay couple” vibe from the two living together, but seriously this is painful. Mohinder informs Molly that he’ll never leave again. Way to make a promise you can’t keep!
- Japan that never actually existed
- Ando, realising that he apparently hasn’t been to work for about a year, plays a video game in his office and then checks the hilt of Kensei’s sword only to realise that it has Letters From Hirojima inside!
So we get Hiro’s needless narration, showing him making Kensei into some sort of hero who cannot get hurt and picking up the slack of the romance with Yaeko. Of course, Hiro is too milquetoast to leave the girl he “loves” behind and can’t go back to the future. So he stays a while longer. Also Kensei gets wonderful dialogue like “Lazarus risen! You have cursed me!”, as if they realised that maybe a spot of an accent doesn’t exactly make you old timey.
- The Company
- Ned Ryerson moves Mohinder into Isaac Mendez‘ apartment, apparently retooled as a lab. Mohinder is to be watched like a hawk, so he can’t have any fun! As Ryerson meets Niki, to whom he promises a cure in exchange for work, Mohinder goes through Isaac’s paintings, to find one labelled 8/8, which he sends to Bennet … depicting Bennet’s dead body, with West and Claire making out behind it.
Cue woefully unedited, drawn out sequence … To Be Continued!
I’m really going to have trouble watching any scenes with West in the future because I just want to punch him in the face. I never punch people in the face, but I’ll make an exception for pretty much everyone who’s putting Heroes together. You know how hope is the last thing to die? I think my hope has tuberculosis, and that it lives in 1899, hanging out with Nicole Kidman and a Green Fairy.
West has to be a plant because he’s too convenient otherwise. Why would he have instantly thought Claire to be special? Why does Claire always get all of the worst dialogue? Why is that previous question a lamentable lie, because the truth is that everyone gets the worst dialogue now?
Seriously, Claire is angry at Bennet for having abducted West two years ago. Claire, the time for being angry at your father passed with the advent of “Company Man”, the pinnacle of this God-forsaken television program! Sure, the guy kissed you, but … oh, there’s no reasoning with a stupid television character. I hope that West betrays you quickly and painfully, while Bennet shakes his head. Seriously, making out over your father’s corpse? That is wrong. Bennet is one of the better things about this program, not yet entirely besmirched, and if you kill him … let’s just say there will be the shaking of fists.
I covered how stupid the Mexicans are in the summary itself, but seriously. They partly exemplify how terrible the special effects in this series have become, as does Kensei; “Michelle”‘s illusions were also godawful. Only Peter Petrelli is allowed any special effects that imply any degree of effort has been entered into. I dearly hope that the twins escape soon so that they may be showered with the love that all Americans display for their Mexican brethren (is the audience supposed to like the pair, or be booing them for their attempts to take their jerbs?).
I don’t care for Niki, and won’t enter into discussion of her; also, the Hiro storyline is a dead end that hasn’t proven a purpose yet. I will say that the parade that “Michelle” organised for Sylar was really creepy. “I can let you have sex with a geisha, or roller skating twins or … yourself.”
It’s an internet-old question: is having sex with yourself gay? I have no idea, but it freaks me out that some people actually think that Zachary Quinto as Sylar is in any way desirable. Would Sylar want to have sex with himself? You know, I don’t want to think about it. Let’s say that he replaced his sex drive with his desire to kill people and do whatever to their brains.
This ignores a bigger question: what were whoever Candice’s employers are thinking when they left her in sole command of Sylar? He doesn’t need powers to kill people, you’ll find, and he abandoned rational thought many moons ago. On top of that, Candice can create illusions so why would she actually have herself and not an avatar interacting with Sylar? Also what would Sylar have done if he could harness her illusion power? Sure he could go to Paris, or Japan … but they’d just be illusions. There would be nothing to achieve. It’s at this point that I’m convinced no one is actually trying anymore.
And Peter Petrelli not wanting to know his identity in case he’s a murderer? Way to reverse engineer the Bourne series! Perhaps you want to know why you feel inclined to kill? No? Thievin’s perfectly fine, thank you!
The other side of the coin we’re hanging out with is the serial killer. Oh, wait, nobody cares about him this week. Also nothing has happened in this series yet. Great. To compensate, I’ll put out a theory: the serial killer is Kensei, mad at his immortality, and taking this opportunity to push people off buildings. Just a theory.