Batrock

That’s right, folks, it’s my fifth Japanese Film Festival! Why, it seems like only a year ago that I was seeing a similar amount of Japanese films, many of which had exactly the same actors as those on display this year! Seriously, this opening movie showcased several of the stars of last year’s festival. I’m coming to see the Japanese Film Festival as a means of seeing friends I haven’t seen for a year.

Maiko Haaaan! is one of those very strange movies that jumps all over the place and at the end you’ve got no idea what’s just happened, except you’ve seen people from Go, A Cheerful Gang Turns the Earth and La Maison De Himiko, so it surely can’t all be bad. And it’s far from all bad, but it’s nowhere near all good. The changes in tone and story are so frequent that, despite being only about two hours, the movie is interminable.

Onizuka Kimihiko, after a traumatic experience in his childhood, is obsessed with maiko, apprentice geisha. He gets demoted to the Kyoto branch of his cup ramen company, but sees it as a blessing because he gets to live in the land of geisha! After managing to worm his way into the okiya, Onizuka enters a fierce competition with Naito Kiichiro – who used to flame Onizuka on his maiko blog.

Yeah, uh … what? I really don’t know what to say to you, because Onizuka goes on a long and winding journey to … nowhere? There’s a lot of funny jokes, and the characters are nice – and the inevitably happy ending and redemptions are indeed happy and redeeming – but it’s too scattershot. Onizuka realises an insane amount of latent potential and develops relationships and … I don’t know. Basically you end up siding with Naito because he doesn’t look as weird and, come on, he’s Tstusumi Shinichi.

So am I recommending this movie? Well, I’m not exactly rejecting it. The beauty of film festival movies is that, unless you go to this particular movie next Saturday, you’re not really in any danger of seeing it. Were it not for featuring all of my old friends, I doubt I’d remember Maiko Haaaan! next year.

On the weekend, I made only my third pilgrimage to Oxford Street and the Midnight Shift. Along the way, I saw someone I recognised through work, wearing checked pants and a sort of emo style of makeup – he gave me a look of joyful recognition, but I can’t for the life of me remember where he works.
This much exposure to the buzzing scene of which I will only ever be an observer has obviously rendered me an expert, and I can share my findings with you. Forewarned, as they say, is forearmed (Rob Liefield flashback!).

Even if the crowd hates the song that is playing, the individual members will almost certainly have their own specific moves for that song mapped out.

For example, when Madonna’s “Sorry” played on Friday, one of my friends booed … and then launched into his own routine. This also proves that not everyone loves Madonna.

Songs that suck or you never pay attention to are magically transformed by the atmosphere.

Gwen Stefani’s “What you waiting for” and, presumably, her entire bizarre Japanophile/Alice in Wonderland fusion oeuvre, are the most meaningful pieces of musical entertainment in human history. The works of the Pussycat Dolls are rendered into epic tales of desire. “Push Up” is … okay, it’s not that great. Fine. And Bob Sinclair is still pretty repetitive dependent on the song. But on the plus side, the audiences are totally oblivious to the objectification and exploitation of women prevalent in the music videos projected on the walls (besides which, the worst culprits are the kinds of music that would never seek play in such establishments).

Take your friends or get eaten alive.

One of the hazards of the scene is Creepy Old Men. It’s not so much an age as it is a state of mind, but they’re really scary and they will try to ingratiate themselves with you. Fortunately if you have friends, they can close the circle. Creepy Old Men aren’t exactly stupid, however, and they can grow abusive when they realise you’re ignoring them – even if they’re not quite clever enough to also realise that they are the reason you have ceased all movement and would be praying for the sweet release of death were it not for the fear that they would manhandle your rapidly decaying corpse.

Some people will feel compelled to remove their shirts.

These people are frequently the kind that you emphatically do not want to see shirtless. See also: Creepy Old Men.

Drag performers are extremely tall, even without heels, and have been known to use shorter people’s shoulders as arm rests.

Okay, maybe that one was just me.

Even if your friends are on the verge of drunkenness and are totally ready to go home, “You Can’t Stop The Beat” will give them a second wind and send them running for the dance floor.

This one is emphatically, if perhaps specifically, true.

What the fuck.

Two weeks ago, a more regular (and legitimate) veteran than myself was hugged by multiple strangers who commended his bravery in wearing glasses.

Next Time: Tropical fish in a bar: what’s up with that? Plus! With smoking banned inside all pubs, clubs and bars, where am I going to get my cancer from?

Disclaimers: Some of the music that is played is indeed valid outside of the context of the clubs; not all Old Men are Creepy; it’s inconceivable that all people think of glasses as an impediment.

We gots us a new Prime Minister! You can tell he’s going to be good because his face is so easily caricatured!

The movie that you love, now with extra unicorn. Still the same number of attack ships on fire.

Watching Blade Runner is like coming home, except I don’t live there and that analogy makes absolutely no sense. What it is is one of my favourite movies, and tonight I got to see it in its final incarnation, and digitally projected at that. This cut is slightly tweaked, but it’s also something that’s entirely, you know … visible. It makes one realise that all of the dustiness is intentional, an unexplained holdover from Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. While there is something a little bit off in the exposition – Deckard seriously should not have to have the concept of incept dates and replicant life expectancy explained to him, because it’s his freaking job – the rest of the movie is something of a marvel.

It’s like Ridley Scott took something that was marvellous, and polished it into the finest diamond the world has ever known. I don’t know precisely why I love Blade Runner, because it’s not without its flaws, but I find that with love, I can look beyond any imperfections to see the core, or essence, of the cinematic experience. Hence my love of the Super Mario Bros. movie, which I love unequivocally but have next to nothing good to say about.

Spoilers beyond this point … I spoil the grandest movie ever made!

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After all of my Heroes rage, and after Tim Kring admitted that episodes one to six of series two sucked, I decided that I’d share a couple of happy thoughts with the world:

On the weekend, I had the finest piece of beef ever to walk on the Earth. If the Two Johns weren’t lying to me, and there is indeed a Cow Town, I just ate its Mayor, and still have some of it left in the fridge.

Tonight, I’m seeing Blade Runner: Final Cut. It is going to be the best thing in the world. Regardless of the changes to the film (and I’ve no idea what they are), I’m really looking forward to watching it without grain. It’s going to be supremely weird to watch the movie and to actually be able to see it.

“Goooood evening, JF!”

Yes, after tonight, my life will be complete. No further discussion will need to be entered into, and the next sixty or so years … who cares what happens? For on November 12th, 2007, I saw Blade Runner in HD.

I’m going to have to adjust my standards, but I’m not sure in which direction. And, for now, I’m spent.

(PS. Going to see The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Gerald Robert Ford to kill the time in between. I wonder what the spin on that movie’s going to be, and what I’m supposed to think of the characters? Thank you, Brad Pitt, for doing my job for me).

“The Line”

From my notes for this week’s episode: “I hate this show”. Yeah, it’s like that. Heroes is an uphill battle, one that I continue to wage because, as far as I can see, I don’t want to concede defeat.

Spoilerzzzzzzzzz …

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Cadged from Mark, it’s a way of updating without having to exert myself in a week of meandering essays without clear lines of inquiry!

Yep, it’s one of those “have you read blah?” lists, and it proves that my knowledge of an arbitrary selection of books is unimpressive! Find out more on the other side!

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