Category: Lies

Godless Liberals: The Ruination of America

Shamus has put me in the mind of the past with his talk of Mass Effect and its HARDCORE NONEXISTENT SEX. I know that this post doesn’t exist (this one does), but it’s like a time capsule for me. This is another one of those instances where I fail pretty spectacularly to talk about video games, movies or pop culture, so you’ll have to forgive me.
Penny Arcade has also covered the ground, but not entirely accurately: like a great many Rightist sites, Town Hall likes to take their shots where it hurts – the gays. You can go to a great many of these sites and see, apropos of nothing, lists of reasons why gay people are awful and must be stopped.

The Bee Conspiracy Uncovered!

Further in the series of Danish serendipity, it turns out that my Aqua revival ties into the recent discovery that bees are dying out. Theories abound, like it’s the fault of mobile phones. So calling your mother to tell her to pick you up is right out if you want some honey!

This, of course, is ridiculous. If you listen to the Aqua song “Bumble Bees”, which at first sounds like nonsense pop from a group that really, really likes to sing songs composed almost entirely of choruses, you will find that it contains the true secrets of the conspiracy.

Watching it is entirely optional, particularly as the video was apparently made to distract the audience from the lyrics:

That said, if you freeze at 2:01 you can see Lene holding a baby.

If you haven’t picked it up already, the reason bees are dying out is this: monogamy. Jealous flowers have demanded that bees stop going around with the whole “pollination” bit. The bee of the song reasons:

I’m a true believer, that goes for what I see
And one little flower is not enough for a bee

Yet the flower can’t help but say:

Bumble bee, bump into me
I am in for pollination
Bumble bee, take what you see
I’m in need for your donation
You don’t need no invitation

So … uh … wait, did you actually read those lyrics? This is some pretty high brow (and filthy) stuff!

The theory goes that the bees finally succumbed to the nagging of the flowers, and as such have not been meeting their quotas, and have been dying off from having to fly around with so much pollen and nowhere to put it. This also explains why bees have been so low and slow flying this year (expect Joanna Newsom to sing about that part of the phenomenon on her next album).

Basically, bees are being pansy whipped. I’m sure that Brokeback Mountain is the cause of this, somewhere. Back in my day, if flowers weren’t interested a bee could sting one right in the face and then high six its bee friends on the way back to the hive while the Queen shook her head and chuckled “drones will be drones”. Damned Sensitive New Age Bees. We need to put the good old disrespect of flowers back into them! Divide and conquer, boys!

True, this completely irrefutable theory doesn’t explain why flowers aren’t dying out, but don’t look at me: I’m just a beeologer, not a botanist!

Next on Alexander Doenau’s Animal Kingdom: The truth behind Baby Seal Clubs!

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